He who laughs last,
Is the slowest thinker.

I'm not putting it off,
I'll do it tomorrow.


Marriages are made in Heaven,
So are thunder and lightning.

All visitors bring joy to our home,
Some when they arrive,
Others when they leave.

I'm not cynical,
Just experienced.

A retired husband,
Is a wife's full time job.

My get up and go,
Got up and went.

We are all born equal,
Only some are more equal than others.

A bachelor,
Never Mrs anyone.

If a woman's place is in the home,
Why is she always in the car?

If we are all made in God's image,
Why are we all so different.

Every man has his price,
Just some are more expensive than others.

Don't stand when you can sit,
Don't sit when you can lie down.

I am the boss of this household,
And I have my wife's permission to say so.

To err is human,
To forgive, unusual.

When I'm right, no one remembers,
When I'm wrong, no one forgets.

Once I thought I was wrong,
But I was mistaken.

My wife loves housework,
She makes the beds,
Sweeps, dusts and mops,
And six months later
She does it all again.

What you tell one person at a time.

The high cost of living,
Is often confused with the cost of high living.

Laughter is a tranquilzer,
With no side effects.

When children are seen and not heard,
It is always such a shame to wake them.

Lord grant me
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill,
Because they cheesed me right off.

You don't need money to have a good time,
But it sure helps.

I think I'm home,
Take me drunk.

Every time I think I hit rock bottom,
Somebody throws me another shovel.

When in doubt,

The toes you tread on today,
Could well be attached to the legs,
That support the ass,
You may need to kiss tomorrow.

The Five Stages Of A Project

(1) Initial enthusiasm
(2) Total disillusionment
(3) Blind Panic
(4) Passing the buck
(5) Blaming the innocent

If in real doubt,

When my wife and I got married we agreed on some things.
I would make all the big decisions,
And she would make all the small decisions.
In all our married life,
We have never made a big decision.

Of all the noises known to man,
Opera is the most expensive.

There is no place like home,
If you haven't the money to go out.

If it wasn't for the last minute,
Nothing would ever get done.

The world is full of apathy,
And I don't care.

Some people say I'm superficial,
But that's only on the surface.

Diplomacy is the art,
Of telling someone to go to hell,
In such a way,
That they look forward to the trip.

Early to rise, early to bed,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.

Some are wise,
Some are otherwise.

The best slimming exercise,
Mind over platter.

The four letter word disliked by so many,

The thing about a joke with a double meaning,
It can mean only one thing.

Money can't buy friends,
But you get a better class of enemy.

Attitudes are what separates,
Winning from Whining.

When you give someone a piece of your mind,
Make sure it's not the last piece.

I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel,
But it was only someone with a torch
Bringing me more work.

A woman is like a teabag,
Only in hot water do you realise how strong she is.
Nancy Reagan

Some people grow,
Others just swell.

Man begins life young and broke,
And winds up old and bent.

When you feel dog tired at night,
It may be because,
You have spent all day growling and grumbling.

Is just obesity of the head.

Don't get mad,
Get even.
Robert F Kennedy

A lawyer is a person who helps you get,
What's coming to him.

If all else fails,
Read the instructions.

If reading the instructions fails,
Get a bigger hammer.

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