When choosing between the lesser of two evils,
Choose the one you have never tried before.
Birthdays are good for you,
The more you have,
The longer you live.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,
Only do it first.
Junk...........Stuff we throw away,
Stuff.................Junk we keep.
It will make people wonder what you have been up to.
He who is absent,
Is always in the wrong.
Live each day as if it were your last,
One day you will be right.
One thing about egotists,
They don't talk about other people.
One of us is thinking about sex,
O. K. I admit it............it's me.
I can only please one person per day,
And today isn't your day,
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Do unto others,
Then run like hell.
I believe no problem is so large,
It can't be blamed on someone else.
Sooner or later,
Doesn't everyone stop smoking?
You can't have everything,
Where would you put it?
Despite the high cost of living,
Have you noticed how it remains popular.
Aren't grand-children wonderful,
You can always give them back.
I started out with nothing,
And still have most of it left.
Never put off until tomorrow,
What you can avoid doing altogether.
Eat to live,
Not live to eat.
Everyone has the right to be stupid,
Some abuse the privelige.
The older I get,
The better I was.
If the shortest distance between two points is a line,
Why does waiting in one take so long?
Taxed to death.
If tomorrow never comes,
Then your dead.
At sixty-five you begin to regret,
The sins you did not commit.
In a perfect marriage,
No one wears any pants.
Bills travel through the mail,
At twice the speed of cheques.
Make it idiot proof,
And someone will make a better idiot.
Love may be blind,
But marriage is a real eye opener.
I need something really bad,
Are you really bad?
I used to have a handle on life,
But it broke.
Monday is an awful way,
To spend one seventh of your life.
Always try to be modest,
And be dammed proud of it.
I don't suffer from insanity,
I enjoy every minute of it.
I take my wife everywhere I go,
It saves me having to kiss her goodbye.
There are three signs of old age,
First your memory goes,
And I can't remember the other two.
Marriage is the only war,
In which you sleep with your enemy.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated,
And not be able to spell it.
Women like silent men,
They think they're listening.
A device for entering mistakes into a computer.
A fool and his money,
Can throw a heck of a party.
"I didn't say any of those things."
It was all so different,
Before everything changed.
I'm not your type,
I'm not inflatable.
I thought I wanted a career,
But it turns out I only wanted pay cheques.
One tequila, two tequila,
Three tequila, Floor.
I want to live just long enough,
To be a problem to my kids.
If you can't convince them,
Blessed are they that can laugh at themselves,
For they will never cease to be amused.
Tell me what you need,
And I'll tell you how to get along without it.
If at first you do succeed,
Try not to look astonished.
I wouldn't be so paranoid,
If everyone didn't pick on me.
Make love, not war,
Do both, get married.
I feel much better,
Now that I've given up hope.
Insanity is hereditary,
You get it from your kids.
You are unique,
Just like everyone else.
I try to take one day at a time,
But lately several days have attacked me at once.
A man is only as old,
As the woman he feels.
Of all the things I've lost,
I miss my mind the most.
No one is paid what they think they are worth,
Many are paid more than others think they are worth.
Having a backbone is admirable,
But don't forget your neck sticks out one end.
Laugh and the world laughs with you,
Snore and you sleep alone.
Keep your mouth shut,
And you will never bite of more than you can chew
Every man should have,
And a confidant,
But not at three different addresses.
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