A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from,
A kick in the pants.
I'm willing to make mistakes,
If someone else is willing to learn from them.
Someone who smiles when things go wrong,
Has just thought of someone to blame it on.
At my age,
I've seen it all,
Done it all,
Heard it all,
Just can't remember it all.
Growing old is inevitable,
Growing up is optional.
How can I miss you,
If you won't go away.
Always try to be nice,
That will confuse some people,
And astonish the rest.
My wife told me to be more affectionate,
So I got two girlfriends.
The first half of our lives is ruined by parents,
The second half is ruined by children.
Ever feel like some days you're the dog,
And some days you're the hydrant.
You have the right to remain silent,
So please shut up.
Some people are alive,
Only because it is illegal to shoot them.
If I had known I was going to live this long,
I would have taken better care of myself.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me,
Than a full frontal lobotomy.
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country,
Are busy driving cabs or cutting hair.
The more you complain.
The longer God makes you live.
Hard work has a future pay off,
Laziness pays off now.
My mother-in-law and I were happy for twenty years,
Then we met.
God must have loved stupid people,
He made so many of them.
Learn the rules,
Then break some.
I'm out of my mind,
But feel free to leave a message.
I'm forever yours,
Learn from the mistakes of others,
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Start a movement,
Eat a prune.
My wife and I married for better or for worse,
She couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse.
I still miss my ex,
But my aim is getting better.
Your village called,
They want their idiot back.
After twenty-five years,
My mother-in-law and I finally agree,
We both think,
Her daughter should have married someone else.
I searched for the blue bird of happiness,
And found the chicken of despair.
Never go to bed mad,
Stay up and fight.
These are the good old days you will miss in the future.
If everything seems to be going well,
You have obviously overlooked something.
The trouble with common sense,
Is that it is so uncommon.
Price is what you pay,
Value is what you get.
Every time you make ends meet,
Someone moves the ends.
I don't understand you,
You don't understand me,
What else do we have in common?
You're only young once,
But you can be immature forever.
Youth is a gift of nature,
But age is a work of art.
Men never remember,
But women never forget.
Laugh at yourself first,
Before anyone else can.
Every story has three sides,
Yours, mine and the facts.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win,
You are still a rat.
I always wanted to be somebody,
But I should have been more specific.
Better to be a coward for a minute,
Than dead for the rest of your life.
Some people are electrifying,
The room lights up when they leave.
It is easier to make people cry,
Than to make them laugh.
The speed of the leader,
Determines the rate of the pack.
If at first you don't succeed,
You are running about average.
It is better to be silent and thought a fool,
Than to speak and remove all doubt.
Old age isn't so bad,
When you consider the alternative.
Only two things are infinite,
The universe and human stupidity,
And I'm not sure about the former.
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